First trimester = worst trimester

Update at 8.5 weeks pregnant:

I’m feeling emotionally pretty good about this whole thing. It feels good to be helping Natalie and Logan. I’m happy the transfer worked and I’m nearly done with the very freaky IVF part. Only another week and a half of meds left! I still have to have fairly frequent ultrasounds because the meds I’m on could mask a problem with the pregnancy. It’s kind of astonishing that I could see the tiny heartbeat at only 6 weeks! At our last ultrasound, I said to the sonographer, “I know we’re still at the Rorschach test phase here, but that round bit on the right kind of looks like a head.” She said, “That is a head.” Baby looks like a gummy bear, kind of.

I’ve been pretty gross feeling for a while, now, beginning around 5 weeks. It’s earlier and worse than it was with Silas, possibly because of the drugs. At this point, I’ve settled into a pattern of feeling more or less fine until 2 pm, when I get super sleepy and pretty nauseous. I’m trying to eat strategically, getting a big breakfast in before the part where I can hardly think of food. Sometimes I wake up super early feeling sick, too, but it clears up pretty fast. One funny thing: I had it so solidly in my head that I would NEVER be pregnant again, that I can’t really wrap my head around it. Nearly every day, I have some moment when I find myself saying, “I don’t understand why I feel so terrible, maybe I’m coming down with something.” And then I remember. Oh, right. Pregnancy.

Basically anything that doesn’t get done by 2pm is not likely to get done, at this point. Frustrating! Among other things, I’m directing something I am referring to as “the Shakespeare sermon” for my church. I realized the other day that 3 out of 3 pregnancies, I was directing during the first trimester. I’m such an idiot, I’m sure I could have planned this better. But no. Making myself go out for rehearsal at 5:30 when I know I am going to want to be in bed by 7 is just painful. And then I have to summon the energy to have a good rehearsal! I can’t imagine how I did this for two actual shows, five to six nights a week, because even showing up two or three nights a week for this much smaller project feels terribly challenging. Let’s not do this again! Yay!

I’m not exactly “showing,” and I haven’t gained any weight, but my jeans are getting uncomfortable and don’t feel good buttoned. I can button them, but it’s not good. I’m also not psychologically or socially ready to wear maternity clothes, and they wouldn’t fit right anyway, so I’m just switching to unstructured skirts and dresses and rehearsal pants. I remember hating this stage of just being kind of weirdly pudgy but not belly-ish. I recall that with both of my pregnancies, I was in that phase for a suuuuper long time. :\

Kids are doing okay ish. I overheard them playing a game where Petra was a cat who gave birth to a rabbit. “Mrs. Rabbit was sick and she couldn’t have a baby, so she and Mr. Rabbit gave the DNA to me and I did the pregnancy for them.” At least they’re processing?

Natalie congratulated me on being 20% done with the pregnancy. Also surreal. I mean, 80% is still a lot! But it does feel like it’s going faster than my other ones, somehow. I have so much other stuff going on, this is just part of everything.


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